@AubriePesky

I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people

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@Dallani

Yes, 911?…
Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?

@QwertyJones3

An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.

@meechonmars

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

@causticbob

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

@HeidiCF8

I’m going to write “I miss you” on a rock. Then throw it at your face. I just want you to know how much it hurts..

@ImABaconDonut

Me: Thanks for the sex.

Me: You’re welcome.

Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.

Me: That’d be nice.

@EndhooS

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

@TheNYAMProject

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

@KyleMcDowell86

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”