Yeah, this guy is wearing green-colored skinny jeans and he has a really hot girlfriend. So do I judge him…or her?
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
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An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
“I can’t begin to tell y-”
I’m going to write “I miss you” on a rock. Then throw it at your face. I just want you to know how much it hurts..
Me: Thanks for the sex.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: Maybe next time we can have another person in the room.
Me: That’d be nice.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”