I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
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Sweet. Free refrigerators!
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass