Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours

Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours

Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.

*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

Me: I wish for a lightsaber.

Genie: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.

Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?

Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?

Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites

Middle Earth: Yay

Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington