Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.

I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.

I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*

1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.

“A little help here, Danny?”

I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer

Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”

I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time

An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me

There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.

Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.

Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…

wife: i think the zoo is closing.

me: pff how are they going to make us leave?

(lions roaring in the distance)

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters

Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.