I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
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[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?