I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
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[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Dance like you’re not the father
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
i’m sure it’s fine
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.