Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had an epiphany today.

robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]

I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

“I just called to say I love you.”

-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work

The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.

I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

*goes to hell

Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?