Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.

What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?

18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?

The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.