I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.