I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
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I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
I asked my doctor about prescribing me sleep medication and he asked if I had tried “giving yourself permission to sleep” instead and now I’m so mad I don’t think I’ll ever sleep again
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark