I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
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wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
same vibe as tangled headphones
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.