I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
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bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*