I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
You Might Also Like
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?