I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
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LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]