I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
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Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol