Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻‍♀️

If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it

[bedroom]

Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished

Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*

Me: no please I forgot the safe word

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

Shit dude that SUCKS

-me as a 911 operator

Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.

imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.

I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.

Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

This is the final season of Young Sheldon.

I hope they don’t kill him off.

me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment

boyfriend:

The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*