Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.

Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*

Gandalf: ffs

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.