Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me

I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.

Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.

Hear me out:

A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

👍

I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.

Asked my 8yo what I owed her for my doctor’s visit, and she said I should just give her all the money I have

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.

TRAIN’S HERE

I like my jims slim and my chances fat

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

I keep a diary of all the indifferent kisses I’ve had, as one day I’d like to publish my meh mwahs.