I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
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My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
i wonder why they stopped looking
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.