I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
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Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Me *retaining absolutely nothing you just said*: Yeah, got all that.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Seems legit
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”