Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.

The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this

My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.

Him: you’re beautiful.

Her: no I’m not, hehe.

Him: yes, you are.

Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.

Him: oh, ok. I see it now.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

Mmmm. Shoeshi

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

What personal space?

My dog

Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?

6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store

Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”

I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part