Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.

You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.

-me flirting

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”

“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!

[First day as a surgeon]

Me: Oops…..

[Last day as surgeon]

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.

😾