I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
You Might Also Like
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
is this store having a stroke wtf
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
There is no “ea” in Tim.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
one week till the election
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
i would wish you the best but i am the best
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
is this a threat
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.