Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.

Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!

-You mean the mosh PIT, right?

Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.

Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you

me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time

Valuable child raising tip from the New York Times

I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”