I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
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I haven’t given up on my fairy-tale ending. I still plan to be eaten by a wolf.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!