Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight

If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.

Show me a better name for a sugar company.

It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.

just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

[interview]

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?

Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”

plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

cellmate: how did you get here

me: i took the train

cellmate: no i mean what did you do

me: i just told you

Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.

Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.

(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?

Cop: I kinda think I have to now.

I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.