I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
#dalle2
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.