Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.

I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Me: Time for school.

5-year-old: But we had three days off.

Me: So?

5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.

Teachers don’t get paid enough.

This is enough internet for the day.

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.

[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.

Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”

Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨

after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that