[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Phones down.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Covid like
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Every work meeting this week
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.