I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
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being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”