I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
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WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.