I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
You Might Also Like
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My daily affirmation
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Graphic novels are awesome if you need your kids occupied for 7.5 minutes at the cost of $30.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
