I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
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opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.