Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

You don’t serve tuna do you?

“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”

*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

The police said I was a Suspect…. but I prefer a Person Of Interest

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.

It’s been a terrible year for burglars

[breaking up yet another fight]

Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?

6-year-old: Because I always win.

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters