I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
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Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I beg you to euthanise me
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong