Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

[at work]

CW: Hey, I found your Twi…

Me: *jumps out window*

CW: …Twinkies.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels

[holds up egg]
This is your brain

[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs

[adds pepper]
Needed pepper

[eats egg]
Mmm brains

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up

Sometimes I read the stupidest shit in here then realize I wrote it

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

Felony is a beautiful name for a girl

ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

📽️movie date🎞️

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.

I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*