Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

send me a picture of a beloved item in your home

please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry

I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry

People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.

Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.

~ Why I was kicked off the debate team

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

I have two boyfriends!

Well, I’m dating two men

Okay. Ben and I are just friends

Same with Jerry

Fine. I have ice cream.

But it’s love.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn