Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor

The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.

Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-

The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this

[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]

me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*

if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

Well, that should do it

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale

My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.

Husband: *stands up*

Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?

I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety

ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious

Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?

My teen: Circling?

Ask a stupid math question

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me