I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
You Might Also Like
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
The “baby” on the left….
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.