Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years

Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO

Me: are they human?

Him: no they’re-

Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over

Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.

Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…

He’s irrelephant

I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband

I’m not sure which is worse:

People who force their religion on you…

Or

Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”

when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡

Siri, when does the restraining order expire?

Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station

[getting kidnapped]

me: you deserve better

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along

*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath*

*heads toward buffet*

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be

I hope google does well on my son’s test

How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?

Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there