I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
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*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.