Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

If only

Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.

In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.

I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”

accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game

[ funeral ]

me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands

her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping

My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …

Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.

Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.

me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!

wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this

me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that