Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”

Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me

Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.

[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”

Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Therapist: How’s your narcissism?

Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.

[loud bar]

Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

Me: c’mon get back in the car

Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no

Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*

Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.

A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”