I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
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Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f
Me: k, I’ll check for sure
I know karate and tons of other words.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
This is Cassie. She was chasing waves when they started chasing her back. Had to throw it in reverse real quick. 13/10
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.