Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

*jurassic park meeting

CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.

Suit: We could build another park…

*long silence

CEO: Genius.

Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.

Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money

Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?

“Queuecumbers”.

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.

My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?

Me: sorry I was talking to myself

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂