I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
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i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window