Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
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i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
A dad and his duck
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
This forever.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.