I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
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My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.