I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
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As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Hot Hot Hot
kevin is now a local weatherman
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.