I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
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When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
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“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”