I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.
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the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
marvel comics have peaked
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive