I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
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“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder