Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a first date]

Her: Have you ate here before?

Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time

Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*

Me: Who made this mess?

8-year-old: Not me.

6-year-old: Not me.

4-year-old: Not me.

3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.

I have a suspect.

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.

Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.

Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.

Donkey Kong sommelier

Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”

I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.