Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

😂😂

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together

Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day

Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door

Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave

Me: *wolf whistles*

My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.

everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places

I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.