Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up

I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…

My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

[1st day working at bank]

BOSS: What are you doing??

ME: I gave that man a personal loan.

BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money