Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked

I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.

this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray

[first day of school]

LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.

LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.

BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.

We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.

I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.

So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?

Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.

Me: THE drawer?

Wife: Yeah.

Great. There go our Oreos.

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”

definitely did not do anything wrong

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?

If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.

My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.

Is this your resume?

“Yep”

It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away

“Oh yes”

Welcome to UPS!