I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
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The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”