I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
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Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on