Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.

The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

[buying treadmill]

Me: Can I try it out first?

Salesperson: Sure

Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

Meow

She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….

~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.

Him: It’s a police report.

I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.