Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:

HDMI

I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.

Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?

Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.

Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!

Michelangelo: Why are you naked?

Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?

Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!

Me: Please dont

Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins

Me: This is never flattering please just shut up

Friend: Look, I took a picture

Me: Man this is an old tire full of water

Friend: You guys are identical!

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.

Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

Only sending condolence cards when someone dies is not enough. We need a range of cards that enable us to sympathise with people about smaller things too

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos