I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
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my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
