Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

*pulls out 50 inch TV*

What? It’s really a phone.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.

Catering service

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug

I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.

Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good

How you can tell a writer has no siblings:

“Hey, little bro / little sis.“

How you can tell a writer has siblings:

“Hey, loser. Mom called.”

my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half