I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
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This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Hmmmmm
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
No. He’s not coming out to play
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]