I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
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I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.