Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

How to grab a women’s attention:

1. Be a glass of wine.

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.

“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep

Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:

Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.

*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’

I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.

If there was a cool Dem gov named Unford, and she picked him, they would by Harris/Unford.

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.

Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?

Sauer crowd.

[blind date]

HER: i love classic rock

ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge

I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.

Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.

Good dog. ❤️

Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.