I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
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excuse me
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons