I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
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In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Why are bridges so flammable.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.