I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
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When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
Breaking news:
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
the noise i just made
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
*skinny dips into black hole
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer