Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

Hallmark movie writer’s room:

“Alright, let’s get started.”

(4 minutes later)

“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”

Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.

Almost choked to death on a jack and coke because I took a sip just as the old grizzled survivalist asked the young skinny blonde bartendress what her plan is for surviving the collapse of society and she said with utmost conviction, “Oh, I would just kill myself”.

My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

Yup.

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

I used the label maker

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.