I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.