I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Otters see a butterfly.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days