Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.

at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Judge: how does your client plead?

Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.

Husband: Want to go for a run?

Me: You know I don’t run.

Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

[Death row]

Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”

JUST. TWO. THINGS.

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads

Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

I’m working from home. But as a bartender.