I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
You Might Also Like
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.