@capnmcfword

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

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@Cheeseboy22

When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.

@Vodkantots

Whoever said, “there’s no place like home for the holidays” clearly hasn’t been to my house.

@sickipediabot

So Harry Potter gets an invisibility cloak.. Does he sneak in and watch Hermione getting changed? No, he goes to the library

@c12h22o11balls

TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?

Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me

@JoshKnightComic

Girlfriend: Im not the best cook, is that cool?
Me: Yeah, I love shitty food.

@UncleDuke1969

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

@fro_vo

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

@counterfeitingl

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

@markleggett

Despite hating tomatoes, I was a tomato in a school play. I put my personal beliefs aside and nailed the role because I was a professional.

@GrantTanaka

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it