I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait