Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

anxiety is soooo crazy bc why do i have diarrhea cuz im scared of something that hasn’t happened yet. what purpose does this diarrhea serve evolutionary

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces

me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]

god: call them deer

angel: ok. what do they look like

god: eh pretty normal

angel: ok

god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face

[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro

[first day as a mover]

boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.

me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S

I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

[before Toto]

Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*

The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”

And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”