I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
You Might Also Like
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
“Why you watching this shit?”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.