Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

good morning

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

Remember friend.

A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.

After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!

Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

I don’t cry when I cut onions because I have this little thing called composure.

You ever been to r/foodsafety? It’s literally just a hypochondriac circlejerk. Posts like “this chicken has been in a serving tray for 2 hours what do I do?” “Throw it out, it will kill your whole family!”

does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit

Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company

If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

yikes

“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.

The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure