Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.

Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*

Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”

Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health

Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

Me: I’m not delusional.

Squirrel: There she goes again.

Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?

Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage

my one true gender

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it