Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.

1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

God: I need one more rib please

Adam: No

God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem

Adam: I said NO

God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only

*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.

You can’t have both.

According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying

That is some bullshit

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

“Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” by “Wham” is my favourite song about wanting to slap someone if they did that.

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:

-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?