I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane
Jogging has never helped my memory.
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
“what that mouth do?” complain
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.