Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BARISTA: what can I get you

ME: medium roast please

B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato

M: *under breath* damn

I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.

It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children

Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job

Me: Whats the salary?

10k now and will increase to 25k later

Me: Ok then, I will come later

ME: Who’s a good boy?

MY DOG: What have you heard?

*seductively corrects your posture*

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

*me in the shower*

My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.

Me: WHAT!

“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg

[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars

Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling

wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding

Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?

Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.

HFD:

Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.

Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.

Her: “So, are you religious?”

Him: “I’m part Catholic.”

Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”

Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”

#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.