I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
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You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I feel like once your going to these lengths you can spring for separate room for the toilet
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend